What the fuck am I going to talk about today, people? Let's get right to it, then, because it's gonna be a doozy. So go grab a beer, some porn and lube. Let's get to it, mija!
The What —
As the title of this post suggests, I'm going to share with you my tips to help you suck less at dating online. A lot of you fucking suck at it. I've seen the profiles of my fellow men and sisters in arms. Honestly, a lot of you are fucking horrible at writing a good profile. I would even go so far as to say that if your life depended on you writing an awesome dating profile, that you, in fact, would succumb to a most certain and painful death!
Wow. What a dick I am, right? Right! The truth hurts, doesn't it, ass-face?
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The Why — See previous paragraph. There's a problem. You suck. I'm here to help.
The Methodology — Keep it simple and keep it real. Not to sound cliche, but this is what works for me. It will work for you, too.
Assumptions and Disclaimer — I'm making the following disclaimer and assumptions
This is not a ‘one-size-fits-all” or even most method. So don't write me and tell me what a fucker I am because this didn't work for you. Instead, look at a mirror and ask yourself if you are part of the problem, or the solution.
I assume that you are socially a fairly normal person. One who doesn't have a rap sheet longer than a roll of toilet paper; I assume that you are capable of looking mildly attractive; I assume that you can form complete sentences and do stuff like talk and listen; I assume that you are not a complete fucking asshole.
This article is not for you if:
– You've ever bought a PUA book or attended a PUA seminar of any type. Take your cube and GTFO!!
– You think the world is against you. Chances are you fucking suck. So take your shitty self and GTFO.
– You are completely void of personality or lack the ability to string together consecutive sentences that are interesting and/or funny. If you can't do that… Then find a thumb to sit and spin on and then GTFO.
– You maintain a “list.” I shouldn't even have to say this. But seriously, stop being a turd and GTFO!!
So, a good buddy of mine reaches out to me and says something like “so, dude, you have a dating blog, right?” Now, this is not the first time a conversation has started that way. Usually it's because a guy wants advice on his profile, or because I've mentioned a friend, former lover, or someone else on my blog and they want to rip me a new one…
My buddy Chet (Yes, I know a guy named ‘Chet,' ) came to me and asked if I'd take a look at his match profile. I told him I would and that he should send me the contents of his profile.
Don't be this fucking guy, okay?
After spending a few moments looking everything over, I wanted to do a stuntman shot. What I was reading was… Painful? No, it wasn't. But it needed some help. I'm providing it below:
I'm a established entrepreneur looking for a karaoke partner who might enjoy a night of poker, going hoarse at a Clippers game, or spending an afternoon biking the beach in search of the best sushi. I'm a generous guy who takes great care of the people in my life and I'm looking for the same in a partner.
I love a woman who can practice the lost art of grace, but knows when a well-timed curse word is perfectly appropriate. My ideal girl is smart, witty, sarcastic, independent and easy on the eyes. Sometimes she likes to dress up and go dancing. Other times she likes to cuddle and watch a Coen brothers movie.
Which celebrity do people say you look like? I have been told me that my Doppelganger is Jason Bateman. I also have gotten Robert Downey Jr. While I'm flattered to be mistaken for Iron Man, I don't see it. You tell me.
Music is a biggie for me. If your idea of a diverse musical taste is Katy Perry and LMFAO then plan on an iPod intervention. I will fill it with the Pixies, Boingo and the Violent Femmes. As long as you don't mind me singing way off key to Duran Duran, we're going to get along fine. I might even pretend to like your show tunes.
I have hiked to a waterfall, biked through Mayan ruins and paddle-boarded through canals, but I would never jump out of a perfectly good airplane. More power to you if parachuting if your thing. I'll be waiting on the ground to catch you.
Oh I almost forgot…I love to cook. What kind of food should I make for you?
Okay. Not horrible. But, as I said, it could use some help.
My personal thoughts on dating profiles is that you should keep things simple. Give people an idea of who you are, but don't sell the cow and the milk. Do one or the other, baby, just not both.
I had also sent this to some other female friends and dating coaches. We all had the same idea.
– Home boy's profile was to wordy, the default setting on this post was obviously verbose.
– Can we dispense with the “I want someone who can get dirty, but cleans up nice?” thing already? You want someone that doesn't look like a fucking jack ass from sun up to sun down.
I suggested just a few changes, based on my own thoughts and those of my female friends, that I feel highlight Chet as a person
I'm a established entrepreneur looking for a karaoke partner who might enjoy a night of poker, going hoarse at a Clippers game, or spending an afternoon biking the beach in search of the best sushi. I'm a generous guy who takes great care of the people in my life and I'm looking for the same in a partner. My friends that don't hate me have told me that I'm charismatic and a hoot at bar mitzvas!