Last week a smart, thoughtful woman left a comment on my post about Dating the Somewhat Disappearing Man. These are the guys I call “pingers” because they ping you (or contact you) just often enough to make sure you’re there when they need or want you. They keep you attached and interested, and often get in touch when it’s time for some sex. She asked such a good question, I want to share it with all of you. Here goes:
“Confused” asked: I’m wondering if an older man (20 yr difference) wanting a couple of weeks to think after two months of good times together is a really bad sign? Does this mean I’m being pinged or is he just scared? How should I handle this situation so that I’m respecting his needs and feelings without neglecting mine?
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Signed: Confused
My response: “Confused”: First, let me recognize you for being so thoughtful and “grownup” about this relationship challenge. You seem to be approaching it with a good balance of emotion and intelligence; also balance between his needs and those of your own. That’s so hard to do in a case like this; so good for you!
Now…to answer your question: This isn’t a case of pinging if you’ve been in a real relationship; which it sounds like you have. If you’ve had a couple good months – meaning he’s been kind, attentive, reliable, and tried to please you – then I say give the man some time. It’s not unusual for a man to back off a little after what John Gray calls “the honeymoon period” wears off. He’ll often crawl into his proverbial cave to reflect on the relationship and where he wants to go.
Here’s the thing: he may or may not “come back,” but either is good. If he does, great! That means you may be on your way to a lasting and fulfilling relationship with a man who gave serious consideration to his feelings for you and decided to pick you. If he doesn’t, then great! That means he knows he’s not right for you and he’s getting out early to avoid the inevitable scenario: he disappoints you, you try to change him, and then he makes you crazy and/or breaks your heart.
Let him know you understand, and that you’re glad he’s going to take time to reflect on the relationship. Let him know clearly that you hope he decides that you’re a good match, and decide on some time factor. (This shouldn’t go on too long.) Then, use this time to reflect yourself: has he been all you want a man to be? Is this really the man who can make you happy and who you can love; or rather is he Mr. Right Now.
This probably won’t be easy, but in the long run it will be good for you. Good luck, and let us know how it goes.
- Shisha April 12, 2018, 11:49 pm
I am also confused. What I am going to share is a bit weired but it happened to me n am confused.
I met both my husband n my best male friend both 10 yrs ago. I met my husband 2 weeks before him. We were always in good terms, he was always thr to help, protect n support me. And when I doubted that my best male friend maybe having amorous feelings 4 me, I went straight to him to talk it out n reminded him that I am already with someone. He indeed told me he was in love with me, he cnt help it n he was not expecting anything from me. So we stayed friends but we grew closer n closer n I started having feelings too but I did not want to hurt my husband ( at tht time my b.f) by turning him down bcoz he is so loving n always nice to me. I explainef that to my friend n he said he will handle that n mend his ways as he doz nt like to c me in distress. So he started dating a girl n got married to her. Even after his wedding we remained close friends; thr was always that sort of current/ complicity between us. Like as if nobody can come in between. Many times he tried to get physically intimate with me but I somehow knew it would be wrong n made him understand always. He felt bad but we remained friends. With time I got married to. And its today after 10yrs I lost self control n we had sex. Before having sex he told he had been waiting 4 that moment since ages. But after sex he texted me to see if I was fine n all that n i told him hw i felt but he was silent n he block me on our fav social network.
I am confused, I cannot understand his behaviour. Help!
Having read the situation of “years back” for the above female….. i myself am wondering the exact SAME, with some #alternatefacts-
So about 2 1/2 months that i first started talking to a guy from work-yes its iffy BECAUSE it very much shocked me, i really never expected it as i had no attraction in past to him ( PROBABLY because he has 3 kids(11,8,3)***- so that was an automatic NO to me. i always FELT his attraction BUT IT was meaningless to me so i brushed it off , but we’ve always been cool at work NEVER A THING MORE.
2 1/2 months ago he just sent me a text one day and we ended up talking all nite about everything just so carefreely.in a very honest and genuine way , he completely opened up to me about having liked me for the past yr.since the day he had strted work there- but i never payed him mind and always ignored it, and he didnt want to hold
it in anymore. But this was just that first day.
I did hold back being open for a bit bcause OF THE. THOUGHT OF HIM BEING A SINGLE
PARENT *** but as i soon started seeing how much our personalities were matching. i thought #neversaynever , and give it a chance See what happens. I did also let him to KNOW that i am not the kind to simply “mess around for a bit “. or even “talk to multiple people at once” – thats just me. we established that we were both:
100%, not seeing anyone else, not dealing w anyone else.
He works night shifts & that one night we stayed up talking for hours about everything.(But again it was just the 1st day)
Everything was just SO NICE, and the things he would say were also very clear that he was shocked himself that we really hit it off so well So, very relaxed, enjoying, after few weeks yes we did sleep together , no pressure w anything and it was still all soo nice and genuine.
Now fast forward a few weeks, so a month ago,he started acting little wierd , kind of distant – i didnt hound him w questions wanted him to have his space☝️but a few days, & i just threw in a text NOT even a whole conversation or #wevegottatalk- simply texted ” ru u ok is evrything alright, i notice uve been littledifferent”
i wanted him to know i didnt just want to crowd him w questions,i also wanted to understand IF there was anything i could – again in a very carefree way so he knew i cared.
it got a little better again , and i defineltely let him know that i had realized it in a suttle way ” ohh the guy that really attracted me, is def coming back”
It went backward again almost entirely 2 weeks ago, OUT OF THE BLUE, i i gave it a few days and decided – that i did just want to clear it all up if hes on a different page then its ok but lets just be honest about it and take it from there.
he restated to me ” i dont want u to think that anything has changed bcus it hasnt” & ” i liked you then and iSTILL like you now” ” everything, every.SINGLE.thing. ive ever said 2u in text or in person has been 100% honest and from the heart”
“i didnt expect and Never thought that we were gona match the way that we did and yes ot scared me a little bcuz im def. not used to that”
— i DIDNT want him to say what i “needed to hear or wanted to hear” but i was VERY surprised that he did actually say that and yes i was of course happy
So right now WITH THAT – the 1st actual conversation and clearing out- ive stepped back a bit and let him be until he comes around.
Am i doing the right thing, and if so, is it ok tjat i am not even texting at all because i dont want him to feel as if im not giving him space.
Please help _ Confused#2
Thanks so much for letting me know I’ve done the right thing. I am proud of my grown-up response to him. I’ve agreed on a few weeks because I understand how busy he is with his two businesses. He initially called me because he was having doubts about his ability to meet my long-term needs because he thought I wanted to move at a faster pace (ready to settle down). I explained that I want to take things slow and feel that there is a lot of potential for a good relationship- we both feel that things are going great for now. I think I had mislead him by not explaining things I’ve said in previous conversations and feel that we really need to talk about our desires and expectations. But I fear that I won’t get the chance. Would I be disrespecting his need for space if I wrote him a short letter? Is he disrespecting me by leaving me hanging?
Sorry for my delayed response. Here’s what I’d say: there’s no “right” answer, but I”m prone to tell you to let him be. If you had a good thing going, and you made it clear you wanted to continue and were willing to do it without rushing…do what you said you would do and give him time. He seems to have all the info he needs to make a decision. If you truly think he needs to consider something he doesn’t know – share it. But if you just want to connect, and get in one more try to convince him…let it be. You will always have a chance to talk with him when he crawls back out of his cave and you talk.
Good luck, and however it goes you should feel very good about yourself.
I am very confused, I starting chatting to a guy on an online matrimonial site for a week we got on really well.
I live in the UK and him in USA.
His job is transferable and we agreed that if things work out between us he could move to UK and that later I can move to USA just that I have a few commitments hence I can’t move right now.
He is a very confident and well to do in his career and life in general.
I spoke to him on Saturday early morning and had agreed that we would talk on video call later that day.
Once we were off the phone he has ignored all my messages and call just completely.
Yesterday I messaged to ask him why he was ignoring and avoiding me and that if he didn’t want to continue to just let me know.
He replied with that he was struggling with the thought of moving to UK and leaving behind his life in USA and that he was still serious and wasn’t leaving the relationship but sometimes he needs private moments to get his head around this and ticking of the benefits of marrying me and moving to UK.
I said ok for him to have that space and also told him that him ignoring my messages and calls all of a sudden obviously made me feel bad as I didn’t know what had happened.
Anyways after that no messages nothing from him.
Now how long should I give him?
Also – is this a waiting game for him to make a decision and I just get told …. in the past he always said that he believes to make a relationship successful two people must communicate and if two people are working on something should it not be discussed – I am feeling isolated!
Also dinner who go into their caves still continue life as normal with everyone else and talk to others too?
It’s just horrible as only known him for a week and I am so far and every time I see him online on whatsapp but he isn’t talking to me.
Please advise me
Nope, not a waiting game. It’s only been a very short time. Remember that you don’t know him at all. You should simply move on with your life. If he’s interested and wanting the same things you do, you’ll hear from him. Bp