Definition: “Mindfulness means paying attention in a particular way: on purpose, in the present moment, and nonjudgmentally.” Jon Kabat-Zinn
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Sounds simple and kinda easy, right? Wrong! Why do you think Zen Buddhist monks meditate for decades to get to the place of mindfulness and nirvana?
You do not have to be a monk to use mindfulness in life or in dating. (Monks don’t date, right?) And maybe you’re already practicing this in other parts of your life. Well, I guarantee that when you apply these age-old techniques along with your Date Like a Grownup teachings, your entire journey to love will be more relaxed, more fun and you will ultimately make better choices…and that’s what leads you to love, sister.
1. Observe your feelings in the moment.
Nervous, happy, disappointed, turned on? Just check in with yourself every so often and observe what is happening inside of you. Don’t judge it, don’t try to change it, just observe and make a note of it. Your feelings may change throughout the date so be observant of that too.So often we focus on trying to figure out how THEY are feeling and that is a waste of time. Keep the focus on you.
Every time you wonder what he is thinking, redirect to what YOU are feeling. Remember, it’s all about how YOU feel when you are with him. And you can’t know unless you are present in your own body and you observe.
2. Leave your past in the past.
We bring so many expectations, and hopes and fears with us on our dates. “He better not do this, or he better do that.” “I hope he’s cute, or tall or funny.” Let go of all of that and just OBSERVE what he does and doesn’t do. And again, do it with curiosity, not judgement. You can notice his pants are wrinkled. No judgement – just wrinkled pants. If he says something you are not thrilled with, say “Hmm, that’s interesting, tell me more about that…” Get curious. Learn more. You can always judge him later. Being non-judgemental on a date will make it soooo much more relaxed for both of you. I guarantee it!
3. Feel your surroundings.
If you get nervous or off-track or uncomfortable, start literally feeling what is around you. How does the chair feel under your bum? How does the air feel on your arms? How does the coffee taste in your mouth? Just get very basic, but sensual. This has a way of bringing you back to yourself, the moment and gets you out of your head and nerves and judgments.
You can even mention these things to him if it feels right. “Gosh this coffee tastes like the coffee I had in Hawaii last year.” Or “I notice your tie is the color of your eyes. Very nice.” “The breeze feels so good on my arms.” Men want and need to connect with women who are in touch with their FEELINGS, because they often have a hard time with that. Mindfulness connects you with your feelings. And thus, connects you with HIM.
4. Put the breaks on your future-tripping.
Force yourself to hold off all decisions about him. Whether you want another date with him or not or if you think he’s husband potential, or someone who would bore you to death, or someone you are dying to jump into bed with.
Every time you notice one of those “decisions,” redirect your thoughts to exactly what is happening in that moment. What is he saying? Where are his eyes looking? How did he treat the wait person? Do a quick body scan to see if you have any aches, pains or pleasures you can make a mental note of. It all helps to ground you in the moment. And keep you in discovery.
5. Enjoy your present.
Mindfulness involves a “willingness to be with what is,” according to the UCLA Mindful Awareness Research Center. Being able to accept the present reality, whether you like it or not can be a helpful dating strategy. When he picks a restaurant you aren’t thrilled with you can see it as a chance to try something new on the menu and to be a good sport. Or if he’s late, you will have an opportunity to get curious and find out why? You will learn right off the bat if he’s just kinda thoughtless or did he truly have an emergency and what it was. Either way you will learn A LOT about him by being willing to “be with what is” in the moment.
Using mindfulness in dating will make you a better, more desirable date. He will be drawn to someone who is authentic and curious and in touch with her feelings. (That feelings part really turns men on.)
Mindfulness allows you both to get past superficial differences, like wrinkled pants and crappy restaurants, and get to the really important business of who you both are…two people looking for more happiness in thier lives. And what is more grownup than that?
- Lori September 30, 2018, 5:17 am
I’m really enjoying your blog. This article helped me understand your mantra of stop deciding and keep discovering. I think it’s funny that I’ve been taking dating advice from two unmarried, unattached women. Both have been telling me to basically play hard to get. I hate games and won’t do that, but I do struggle with getting attached quickly; hoping to learn here how to chill out and just let things unfold especially since I have a third date with a great man this week!
Glad you’re here Lori. And glad you’re going on that third date! Here’s something else you should read about taking advice from friends. Have fun! Bp
I like this advice, especially #4 . Fast forwarding in our head is delicious but can keep us from absorbing the actual information he’s offering, about whose is and his level of interest.
UH!! very good advice. My therapist always says don’t fantasize; meaning stay in the “now” and not in the future. They say women are hard to understand, but men are a challenge too. I met a guy on line and before we met, he messaged me and we had two phone conversations that lasted an hour each. Very easy to talk to and he said the same about me. We met and toured an exhibit and had lunch. Left it at we would like to get to know each other. So then I don’t hear from him for a week. I always think its me. I messaged him asking if he was interested . He said he was working a lot; which do too. Somehow I conveyed that I am a warm and generous person and I like to feel someone is thinking of me if they are interested. Poor guy; I think he doesn’t really know how to date..just like me. I lost my husband 3 years ago and he his wife 2 years ago. So he messaged me here and there and I actually asked if he would like to go to a museum with me this week. He was very sweet and thanked me for thinking of him because he always wanted to go there. I guess I am old fashioned; I would rather he ask me. I won’t ask again; if he is interested after our next date I will let him make the next move; or not. What are your thoughts?
Hi Jamie. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your husband. Not hearing from someone for a week is not a terrible thing. Especially when you know he’s very busy. Please, girlfriend, work on dumping the idea that it’s about YOU. 99% of the time it has nothing to do with you. Give this article on dating rejection a read, ok?
I can see that you are both a little rusty on dating. It’s not a bad thing you asked him to join you. I agree that next time you should wait for him. Just be sure you continue to be open about your interest and keep in mind that there are many lovely men out there. If this doesn’t work out it will still be a great experience and opportunity to learn and just enjoy yourself. Hugs, Stick with me, ok? Bp
Hi Bobbi, Similar to your message, I have decided to focus on men with “deep listening” – removing opinions, suggestions, and judgments. Less talk about myself. I think this will help create connection with more possibilities of a relationship. Karen
Hi Bobbi. This was very useful information. So many times I size up the man instantly, which is usually focusing on the negative, while staying super positive outwardly. I’m going to try to take it all in moment by moment to really focus on how I feel and ask questions if I need clarification on those feelings.
Excellent, Rosemary. I’m so happy to hear this helps you. Let me know if it makes a different for you. When you do it, I guarantee it will make your dating experiences so much more fun! Bp
When my son was very little, I was busy cleaning up after dinner. Hustling the dishes from the table, filling the dishwasher, etc. He toddled along beside me, trying desperately to get my attention. Something, whatever it was, was on his young mind and he wanted me to pay attention! He finally reached out, touched me and said, “Mom, listen to me with your eyes!” I stopped what I was doing, “got back in the moment” with my little darling, went down on my knee at his height, focused on him directly, and for a moment, went into his precious world to discover what he wanted to share with me. Thirty three years later, I still remind myself on occasions, how important that action is…pay attention to what is happening at the moment and give the other person the courtesy of being observant and listening to what they want to share. After all, the opportunity may not present itself again!
What a BEAUTIFUL story, Irene. Thank you so much for sharing it with us. Bp
I am really working on being in the moment and enjoying each experience but I have not transferred this to dating. I have been mentally racing forward wondering if he is “the one” based on the first and second dates. Then I’m so disappointed when he’s not the answer to my quest. Being more mindful and present is a very good idea…enjoying the moments without focusing on the outcome.
You’re right, Beth. Going into dates focused only on the end result will only lead you to disappointment. You’ve learned to be mindful in the rest of your life, and you can definitely do that in dating. I suggest that you find a meditation that puts you in the present before each date. Focus on the opportunity…on having fun…on learning. On just being kind and enjoying another human being. This is what I help my private coaching clients. It works! Hugs, Bp